Hissing Castles And Pink Toads
by SylvaDragon
Summary: Minerva groans as she glances out of her study window, and sees Albus acting oddly. What is he up to now ? Fun and chaos happen as Albus' wonderful idea goes horribly wrong, and Umbridge has a truly ghastly time which she may never forget. MMAD.
1. Chapter 1

**Hissing Castles and Pink Toads**

_**Set in year five, when Umbridge is still a member of staff.**_

_**A sequel to my story, The Castle That Purred. I strongly reccomend reading that first if you can.**_

_**Please leave your logic and sanity at the door on your way in. ;)**_

**Prologue**

The plump toadlike woman, who resembled a particularly unpleasant and frightening aunt, stared in disbelief at Albus Dumbledore as he stood further down the passage seemingly engrossed in conversation with himself. Her mousy eyebrows shot upwards as Dumbledore stroked the castle walls fondly, and began to murmur what sounded like endearments to it. Umbridge's eyes glinted, if the old fool really was going crazy then he could be got rid of, and she could take over.

"Ahem ahem ..." Umbridge cleared her throat in what she considered a ladylike manner as she stepped towards the Headmaster. "If I may interrupt your conversation with yourself Headmaster ... You are feeling quite all right are you not ?" She asked in fake concern.

At once there was a hissing noise from nearby, it sounded rather like the noise an angry cat makes. As soon as he heard it a mildy concerned expression flitted across Albus' face, as he rested a hand gently against the ancient stone wall. "There ... there ..." He murmured almost inaudibly.

"I beg your pardon ?" Umbridge said, then before Albus could answer she continued, "Really this is a most dreadfully drafty old castle ... why one can positively hear the wind hissing along the passages. It ought to be demolished !"

At Umbridge's words the hissing grew even louder, sounding positively threatening. Unnoticed by Umbridge a large stone block right above her head began to ease it's way out of the wall, just as it was about to drop on to her head Albus happened to glance upwards. "Don't you dare !" He commanded, as his bright blue eyes flashed dangerously. Unwillingly the block eased it's way back into the wall, and the hissing noise grew a little quieter.

"Really Dumbledore there is no reason to speak to me like that !" Umbridge snapped affronted, her beady eyes glinting angrily. "I have a very great deal of power at the ministry you know and if I want this horrid old castle demolished ..."

"I am afraid I am most terribly busy my dear Dolores." Albus said courteously, "I really must be going ..." Albus turned and strode off rapidly down the passage, only pausing to pat the castle fondly and murmur entreatingly, "Be good ... no dropping bricks on her ..."

"Well really ! How rude !" Umbridge snorted, she was getting thouroughly sick of Dumbledore constantly vanishing whenever she wished to talk to him. "His manners are as appalling as the rest of the staff !" With her squat nose stuck in the air she stormed down the passage trying desperately to ignore the loud growling noise which was following her. "Dreadful draughy old place ..." She complained to herself.

_**Author's Notes**_

_**This is just a very short prologue to try and set up or explain what happens later. If you are confused please do read the castle that purred, and then hopefully things should become a little clearer. For those of you too lazy or busy to do that ;) then the idea behind this story is that Hogwarts castle is alive in a way, and it is very fond of Albus, who talks to it and strokes it often. In the Castle that Purred, it would respond to Albus by purring like a cat, and Minerva thought it was Albus playing a joke on her. The castle does not like Umbridge at all, clearly a very sensible castle. ;)**_

_**Please review, even if it's only a couple of words, it doesn't take much effort and gives writers a lot of pleasure and encouragement. It's often hard to get enthusiasm to continue a story where not many people bother to review. Thanks. **_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter One

_A few days later._

It was a beautiful spring weekend, the sun blazed down from the skies touching the earth with unseasonable warmth. Most of the students and staff of Hogwarts were outside enjoying the fine weather after the recent rain. Only Minerva McGonagall remained indoors, diligently planning the coming weeks lessons. As she glanced out of the open window Minerva noticed huddled knots of students and staff in the grounds. They seemed to be staring at something with rapt attention.

As Minerva peered intently out of her window she noticed her husband, Albus Dumbledore at the very centre of the group. He was attired in rich midnight blue robes embroidered with shimmering golden stars, and was waving his arm round his head in a most peculiar manner. Now that Minerva's attention was captured she could clearly hear words floating up from the people below :- "Is he crazy ?" "Completely insane ..." "Barmy old coot !"

At once Minerva sank her head in her hands and groaned despairingly. _'What was he up to now ? Was he intent on driving her mad with his childish behaviour ?' _ For a second Minerva seriously contemplated staying in her study and letting someone else deal with him for once. Then her sense of duty reasserted itself, and slamming scrolls and quill to the desk in disgust, she strode out of her chambers to see what on earth Albus was doing now.

As Minerva marched across the grass towards Albus she noticed that he had a length of thick bright red leather, with a huge loop tied in one end, dangling from his hand. Suddenly he swung the leather round his head in a series of circles, screamed "YEEHAA !", and as though using a lassoo sent the loop flying towards one of the castle's smaller towers.

Minerva's eyes widened in disbelief, he seemed to be trying to throw the loop over the tower. As Minerva continued her approach, Albus made several more futile attempts at flinging the loop over the tower. The crowd of students watching him were growing increasingly racuous and the staff were having a difficult time quieting them, but Albus seemed oblivious of this. Minerva's lips set in a thin line of disapproval at the scene.

"Professor Dumbledore !" She snapped, her glasses glinting as she gave him her best 'not in front of the students' glare.

"Ah Minerva ... It's a beautiful day isn't it ?" Albus said happily, half moon glasses sparkling joyously. "I imagine you are somewhat curious as to what I am doing ..."

"I believe it would be more appropriate to discuss that in private Headmaster." Minerva answered firmly, the final word an attempted reminder of his position and how he ought to behave.

Albus appeared not to hear her as he continued blithely, "I'm trying to put the castle's lead on ..."

A wave of giggles rose from the students as they heard this. Minerva's blazing emerald eyes swept the crowd furiously, to her rage and embarrassment she noticed that Rolanda was laughing openly, and Severus was wearing his 'I'm not going to laugh because it would ruin my dark image' look. She was going to murder those two when she got hold of them, at least the other professors were trying to feign seriousness.

"You see I want to take it walkies ..." Albus informed her brightly.

As soon as it heard the word walkies the castle began to yap excitedly, earning it a scathing glare from Minerva who was almost smoking at the ears with fury, and turning a vivid shade of scarlet. "Really Dumbledore this is ..." She began.

When a piping voice from the crowd interrupted her, _"_Please Sir, why don't you tell it to sit ? That's what I do when I want to put my dog's lead on." It was Dennis Creevey, Colin's younger brother.

Albus beamed brightly at the brown haired boy, "What an excellent idea ... absolutely excellent my dear boy." He said enthusiastically.

Minerva's glasses flashed as she fixed her gaze on Albus, in a manner which quite clearly commanded him to stop this nonsence at once, her posture resembling a dragon about to breath flames on the next person to get in it's way.

Albus was far too excited to notice though, as he stepped lightly towards the castle, patted it fondly and in a gentle voice said, "If you would please sit down, there's a good castle."

"Oh no Sir. That's not how you do it." Dennis said, as the giggles from the crowd grew ever louder, and one or two bellowed at the castle in fake high pitched voices to "Sit."

"That is quite enough !" Minerva snapped, "The next person to speak or laugh will receive detention. You will also cease hanging around in the grounds as though you have nothing better to do, and go about your business at once. Anyone remaining here will be dealt with most severely !" The implied threat combined with the blazing glare that swept the crowd was enough to make the students vanish rapidly. Even the staff made a speedy exit, leaving Albus and Minerva alone.

Once they were gone Minerva turned her thunderous gaze upon Albus, who seemed to have finally grasped that his wife might be just a little angry with him, and was looking rather worried.

"I just thought the castle might like a little exercise my dear, after all it must get terribly bored just standing here all the time." Albus said in what he hoped was a nice calming voice. "I thought it would enjoy going walkies ..."

To Minerva's disgust and fury the castle promptly resumed it's previous yapping. If this was her husband's idea of a joke then she was not amused. "Kindly cease casting spells on the castle at once Albus ! Do you have so little respect for my intelligence that you think I am so easily fooled ? For the final time the castle is not alive ! It does not purr ! And it does not want to go walkies as you put it !" Thundered Minerva, her glasses glinting in a manner which most people found quite terrifying.

Faced with his wife's fury Albus took a small nervous step backwards, and shot a pleading look at the castle which was continuing to yap happily, and had also started bouncing around on it's foundations. Then turned to answer his wife, but before he could speak an outraged, and seething with exasperation Minerva continued, in her sternest no nonsence voice, "I do not find your ridiculous jokes amusing Albus Dumbledore particularly when you play them in front of the students. Making fools of us all, utterly undignified, childish ..." Minerva spluttered in outraged tones.

"But ..." Said Albus, as he tried desperately to make himself heard over Minerva's continuing lecture, "But ... but ..."

"Kindly stop butting Albus, you are not a goat !" Minerva commanded.

Taking advantage of the pause in Minerva's lecture, Albus spoke very rapidly, "I assure you this is not a joke, I did not cast any spells on the castle, it really is alive and it really does want to go for a walk, just look at it." Albus' bright blue eyes shone innocently at Minerva in a way that would have convinced most people, but she knew Albus and his pranks far too well to trust him so easily.

Folding her arms across her chest, Minerva snapped, "Proove it !"

"But of course my darling." Albus said happily. Turning to the bouncing castle he said brightly, "Now if you would just sit down so that I can put your lead on, and then we can go walkies."

"Ridiculous ... quite ridiculous ..." Minerva muttered under her breath. Then gaped in disbelief as the castle lifted itself up slightly, and then bending some of it's towers outwards like legs, sank on to the ground. "Albus !" She queried threateningly.

"There's a good castle." Albus said fondly, "Would you like to go walkies then ? Shall Uncle Albus put your lead on then ?"

Minerva buried her head in her hands and groaned despairingly as she heard this. Albus could clearly hear her mumbling to herself about babytalking to a castle, and how ridiculous it all was, and his eyes twinkled merrily as he gently tossed the red leather loop round the small south eastern tower.

Minerva lifted her head from her hands just in time to see her husband tug gently on the vivid red lead, and say to the castle, "Walkies !" To Minerva's surprise the castle lifted itself from it's foundations, bits of moss and dirt flying in all directions, and began to walk forwards using the four towers that stood at each corner like giant legs. The sight of a giant castle sedately following Albus across the grounds on a bright red lead was a quite ludicrous sight, and Minerva had to stop herself from pinching herself to see if she was dreaming.

As she recovered Minerva regained her powers of speech, "Albus, really, even if the castle is alive, you do not take castles for walks !"

"Why ever not ?" Albus asked, his sapphire eyes sparkling.

"Because ..." answered Minerva, "Because ... well just make sure that you do not loose our castle Albus!"

"Trust me, my dear." Albus answered as he vanished over the horizon with the castle following him.

_**Author's Notes**_

_**To those waiting for Umbridge's appearance, she features later in the story. Please review and let me know what you think of it so far. I know it made me laugh when I was writing it, I hope it does the same for you. :)**_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Two

Minerva spent the next few hours happily immersed in a book, suddenly she realised that Albus and the castle had been gone at least four hours. Sighing she rose to her feet and scanned the horizon anxiously. "Where in Merlin's name are they ?" She muttered to herself.

Several minutes passed during which Minerva continued to gaze across the grounds, a worried expression on her face. Thinking of all the rude names she could call Albus failed to lighten her mood. Suddenly to her relief she saw the familliar brightly clad figure of her husband in the distance. Breathing a sigh of relief she strode purposefully towards him, as she drew closer she began to have the strange feeling that something was missing, but she couldn't quite think what it was. Then realisation struck. _'Where in Merlin's name was the castle ?'_

Minerva stood motionless glaring at her husband as he trailed towards her at snail's pace. If her mood had been better she might have thought that never before had she seen Albus look so pitiful. He looked as though he had been dragged through a hedge backwards, his robes were muddy and torn, and bits of twig and leaves stuck out of his hair and beard. From his hand a bright red lead dangled disconsolately.

Albus gulped as he saw his wife standing with hands on her hips staring balefully at him, nervously he hovered a few feet from her, unwilling to get any closer.

"ALBUS !" Minerva thundered in a tone she normally reserved for her most troublesome students. "Where, may I ask, is our castle ?"

"I ... I ... it wasn't my fault ..." Albus whispered uneasily, as he twirled the lead nervously between his fingers.

"What did you do ?" Minerva demanded. "And stop fidgeting at once !"

"Nothing ... nothing at all ..." Albus answered rapidly, "Really my dear I assure you it wasn't my fault ..."

"Albus Dumbledore I know you well enough to know that whenever you say that something wasn't your fault it almost invariably was your fault !" Minerva snarled, "Now where is our castle ?"

Nervously Albus noted how Minerva was tapping her foot on the ground, and eyeing him as though she would like to wring his neck. "I'm sure it will come home eventually." Albus said in a falsely hopeful voice, which he prayed would pacify his wife.

Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore, did you loose our castle ?" Minerva thundered, "I told you not to take it for a walk, but did you listen ?

Albus opened his mouth as though to answer this, but Minerva silenced him with her most fiercesome glare, then as her husband shifted uneasily from foot to foot she continued her lecture. "No you did not, and now what are we meant to do ? Where exactly am I meant to teach transfiguration with no classroom ? Of all the foolish irresponsible notions !"

"It's glorious weather." Albus said placatingly, "You could teach classes outside, I'm sure the students would enjoy it."

"I however would not !" Snapped Minerva, "Really of the all the ridiculous notions ... recipe for chaos ... Where is the castle Albus ?"

"I ... I ... I am not quite sure ..." Albus answered uneasily.

"Not sure ! I suggest you explain at once !" Minerva roared, as Albus took a nervous step backwards.

"I ... I ... rather thought that I might just go and get some lemon drops from Honeydukes first ..." Albus answered uneasily, "I've run out you see ... and I really could do with a nice soothing cup of hot chocolate too ... it was all most stressful my dear ... I will explain later ..."

"Do you have a death wish ?" Minerva snarled in her best, you had better do what you are told at once voice.

"No absolutely not, that's why I'd rather not answer your questions right now ..." Albus answered without thinking, then clapped his hand over his mouth in horror.

"ALBUS !" Minerva growled threateningly.

For several minutes there was silence as Albus opened and closed his mouth, and shot frantic gazes towards the horizon desperately hoping that the castle would return, and save him from Minerva's wrath. No castle appeared though and at last he had no choice other than to answer. "I ... I ... seem to have lost the castle my dear ..." Albus said miserably.

"WHAT !" Bellowed Minerva "HOW EXACTLY DO YOU LOOSE SOMETHING AS BIG AS A CASTLE ?"

Albus gulped then almost inaudibly muttered, "Well you see I let it off the lead ..."

"YOU DID WHAT ?" Bellowed Minerva so loudly that several birds flew screaching from the trees, and the flowers growing in the lawn seemed almost to cringe.

"I ... I ... thought it might like to run around a bit ..." Albus tried frantically to explain.

"So in effect you let the castle loose to rampage around the countryside doing heaven knows what ?" Minerva snapped, almost as though she could barely believe her husband's foolishness.

"Oh I don't think it will rampage my dear ... it is a very nice castle after all ... most of the time at least ..." Albus answered in his most convincing, trust me I'm always right voice.

"THEN WHAT EXACTLY IS IT DOING AT THIS MOMENT ? AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN MOST OF THE TIME ?" Minerva roared as her wand hand twitched longingly, as though she would hex her husband at any moment.

Albus was looking increasingly panic stricken, and his feet twitched as though he wished that he too had got lost along with the castle. Then a flicker of inspiration passed almost imperceptibly across his face, as he remembered his golden rule for dealing with enraged Minervas - 'when in doubt do your best to distract them.' "You know my dear I've never seen a castle so happy before ... it went skipping through the grass, and then I threw balls for it to chase. Such a shame you weren't there ..." Albus paused and glanced at Minerva, foolishly he convinced himself that his attempt at distraction was working, and made the fatal mistake of relaxing his guard. "It was so happy my dear, just think it is the first time that the poor thing has ever run around and I think it got a taste for it, because it suddenly shot off, or it may have been chasing something ... it did seem to see something in the distance suddenly, I expect it just wanted to make friends or play. I'm sure it wouldn't hurt anyone. I'm sure it was just a play growl, but of course it wouldn't come back, and well I chased it for miles and miles untill I fell over in a hedge, and a squirrel stole all my lemon drops. I really must get more ... I do hope Honeydukes hasn't closed ..."

"I DON'T GIVE A DAMM ABOUT YOUR BLASTED LEMON DROPS ! WHAT ABOUT THE CASTLE YOU IMBECILE ?" Minerva demanded so loudly that leaves fell from the nearby trees and fluttered down to land in her hair. So enraged was Minerva, that she tolerated their presence - her attention fully on her hapless husband.

"Minerva really I don't think insults are called for ..." Albus admonished softly.

"HOW ABOUT CLOBBERING YOU WITH THE NEAREST HEAVY OBJECT ?" Minerva snapped.

"Minerva my dear violence never solves anything ..." Albus replied in his most soothing voice.

"It makes me feel a hell of a lot better though." Minerva snarled, as she transfigured her summer shawl into a large and rather frightening looking stick, which she waved menacingly at Albus.

"But .. but ... Minerva my love what would the students think if they saw you hitting the Headmaster ?" Albus gasped, as he took a small step backwards, then another larger step.

"I dont see any students right now ... do you ?" Minerva growled as she moved threateningly towards her husband.

"Isn't that one over there by that tree ?" Albus asked frantically, pointing randomly at a nearby clump of trees.

"Nice try ... and no it isn't ..." Minerva snapped, as she scarcely bothered to glance at the trees.

"That is however Miss Granger over there by the lake." Albus replied triumphantly, pointing towards a figure on the shores of the lake. He knew that though Minerva would never admit it, that Hermione was one of her favourite students and he was now safe from the worst of his wife's fury.

"Dammit." Minerva muttered, then with a rueful glance flung the stick to the ground, and glared at her husband in raging silence, fists clenched and emerald eyes flashing. Albus hung his head miserably under his wife's furious gaze and for several minutes all was silent between them.

Suddenly all the rage seemed to drain out of Minerva and she groaned despairingly, then began to mutter to herself, "First he wakes the castle up ... been a perfectly well behaved castle for years ... never purred ... or went running off ... untill he woke it up and started all this nonsence ... " Minerva glared at Albus in a way which clearly said this is all your fault, then sank her head into her hands, and resumed her despairing mumbling. "Only Albus ... hundreds of others Headmasters ... they never thought to bring the castle to life ... they knew how to behave ... only Albus could do this ... castles purring and going for walks on leads what is the wizarding world coming to ..."

Albus watched his wife miserably unsure how to comfort her, somehow he had the feeling he was unusually unpopular with her at the moment. Tentatively he reached out and patted Minerva on the shoulder, "There ... there ... " He whispered in his most soothing voice.

"There ... there ... ? Is that all you can say ?" Minerva erupted, "Will there there bring the castle back ? What blasted good is there there ?"

"I'm sure it will come home eventually." Albus said as soothingly as he could.

"If you think I'm going to stand around waiting for the castle to decide to return then you are insane ! We are going to go and find that castle right now, no matter how long it takes. And if you want to come anywhere near me within the next year you had better hope that we find it soon !" Minerva snapped.

_**Author's Notes**_

_**I completed this chapter last night, and checked it for typos today. Maybe writing fanfic is an odd way to spend Christmas Eve, but it's one of the things I enjoy doing most. ;) **_

_**I'm sorry it took so long to update this story, it wasn't meant to be so long, but I got sick, and then busy, and then sick again. It's just been one of those years. The next update will happen in the New Year, a couple of weeks time. Unless I fufill my longing to write an Christmas oneshot, this will be the last thing I publish untill after Christmas. ;)**_

_**Please review, and throw Christmas candy at me. :D And have a most wonderful day tomorrow, or indeed today because somewhere it must be Christmas already. *Goes to sit on by window and wait for Dumblyclaus to fly by on his sleigh.* :D **_


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Three

As they strode across the rolling hills Minerva peered anxiously over hedges and walls. Albus tried to emulate her but most of his time was spent shooting anxious glances at his wife, who even when furious was in his view the loveliest woman in the entire world. At last he spoke in what he hoped was his best 'Please forgive me' voice. "Minerva my darling you didn't really mean what you said did you ?"

"I am not talking to you !" Minerva snapped, as her eyes swept the forests and hills once more.

"Yes you are ... you just did ..." Albus answered gleefully.

Minerva didn't even spare her husband a single glance. "Hmph !" Was her only acknowledgement of his presence.

"Hmph is a word too ..." Albus said with a mischevious twinkle.

"No it is not !" Minerva snapped, then realised that once again Albus had tricked her into answering. "Dammit ... Hmph!"

"You're not very good at not talking to me are you ?" Albus said happily. If there was one thing he couldn't stand it was when Minerva ignored him, so long as she wasn't ingoring him he always had a chance to charm her into forgiving him. "I think it's because you love me so much ..."

Minerva's only response was to stick her nose in the air and pretend that Albus didn't exist.

"If we find the castle will you talk to me again ?" Albus asked, as he fixed Minerva with his most pleading gaze and tried desperately to stop the corners of his mouth twitching merrily.

Minerva quickened her pace, her back stiff with surpressed fury, mouth set in a thin compressed line.

Albus whipped round in front of Minerva, then clasped his hands dramatically to his chest and gazed at her adoringly. "But Minerva you know I can't live without your kisses ..."

Minerva's fists clenched into tight knots of rage, and her emerald eyes blazed as she made a great show of looking everywhere other than at Albus.

Realising that this hadn't worked Albus pretended to fall swooning to the ground. "Minerva ... oh Minerva, I think I'm suffering from candy withdrawal ... If I faint will you revive me ?" He pleaded, then added, "You could give me the kiss of life ..."

Minerva stepped over her prostrate husband as though he wasn't there, and carried on walking.

"So cruel ... so cruel ... leaving me lying here ..." Albus whimpered piteously, blue eyes imploring her to return.

The only sign that Minerva had heard him was the tightning of her clenched fists ,and the way a tiny muscle in her cheek began to twitch.

As he saw Minerva striding away from him, Albus lept to his feet, shot after her and pranced in several dizzying circles round her, then beaming maddeningly and spreading his arms wide, proclaimed. "Have you ever noticed how the sky is the colour of my eyes and the grass is the colour of your eyes ? The grass and the sky don't stop touching each other, so we shouldn't either ..."

"ENOUGH!" thundered Minerva turning to face Albus, wand at the ready and fury blazing in her emerald eyes. Albus gulped nervously and began to wonder if he had gone too far, his wife had hexed him on a couple of previous occasions and it had been far far worse than her ignoring him. The first time it had taken him a week to discover how to stop his beard from tickling him constantly, it tickled him everywhere even in between his toes. He never would have believed it untill then but an entire week of giggling was exhausting. The second time was just too horrible to think about, and Albus had vowed after that to never ever again annoy Minerva to such an extent.

Just as a hex was about to erupt from Minerva's wand Albus flung himself behind a bush, landing painfully on a large thistle. "Ouch !" He said, then not daring to move remained sitting on top of the thistle, wondering ruefully how long it would take him to pick the prickles out of himself. Suddenly he had an idea, and with a casual flick of his wand transfigured a nearby stick into a pole with a white flag of surrender on top.

As Minerva saw the white flag waving from behind the bush her eyes gleamed triumphantly. As the tousled silvery head of her husband peered cautiously from between the leafs, she surpressed a victorious grin, and continued to point her wand threateningly at him. The mournful white flag waved even harder in response. "Do you promise to behave from now on ?" Minerva demanded.

Just as Albus was about to nod his head something moving on the horizon caught his attention. Glancing up he saw the castle running across the fields, it seemed to be chasing something or someone. Albus thought he could hear faint screeches of terror floating back to him on the wind. "Minerva ... look ... castle ..." He gasped, and pointed frantically.

Minerva's head swivelled, her eyes widening as she watched the castle crash through the undergrowth, then, "Follow that castle !" Minerva bellowed and sprinted across the grass with Albus in hot pursuit.

_**Author's Notes**_

_**Well unless you've all got bored and gone off to do something else, I hope you enjoyed this, and if this chapter made you laugh or smile then please hit that little button down there and review. ;) Yes that little button there, it doesn't take much effort to make an author happy by reviewing. ;) And this author is wondering if people are still interested in this story ... makes fake mournful sigh. ;)**_

_**The next chapter will be the final one, when we find out who the castle is chasing and what happens next. Unless I decide to write an epilogue or anything. Thanks to those who've already taken time to review. :)**_


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Four

Minerva pounded across the grass, jet black hair tumbling free of it's normal tight bun. Albus followed her, silver beard and hair streaming behind him in the wind, alternately gasping for breath and bellowing at the castle to come back at once. As they drew nearer to the lumbering castle, they could hear the low rumble of fiercesome growls, and desperate wails for help interspersed with shrieks of terror from whoever the castle was chasing.

"Oh dear !" Albus gasped.

"This is all your fault !" Minerva snarled, then sprinted even faster after the castle.

With what felt like his last breath Albus bellowed, "Heel !" Frantically. Either the castle didn't hear or it had gone convieniently deaf, for it didn't take any notice at all.

Suddenly Minerva's eyes lit up with glee, "It's Umbridge, our castle is chasing Umbridge." She said joyously.

"Oh ... huff ... huff ... Merlin ..." Albus gasped between great gulps of air.

"Perhaps we should stop for a few minutes and make a plan ... you look as though you need a rest ... " Minerva's eyes were shining brightly and she was grinning in delight. Sitting delicately on a conveinient rock she said in tones of fake innocence, "Look what a lovely sunny day it is Albus, and doesn't that stream look pretty ... I do believe this is the perfect place for a nice rest. I'm quite sure it wouldn't do any harm to sit here for a while." Minerva fixed emerald eyes enticingly on her husband in a manner which would normally have turned him to jelly, had he not been bent double and gasping for breath.

Failing to get the desired response, Minerva decided to try a different method of distracting Albus from chasing the castle. Rummaging in her handbag, and producing a brightly coloured bag, she purred, "Look Albus ... sherbert lemons ... Just the thing to give you energy ... now come and sit here by me ..." Minerva patted the grass next to her invitingly, and waved the bag gently under her husband's nose, which was twitching in delight at the delectable lemon aroma.

"But ... but ... the castle ... what about Um ..." Albus said uncertainly.

"Oh I'm sure she will be fine." Minerva interrupted firmly, "And these are your favourite sherbert lemons, the very rare and expensive ones that you loved so much last Christmas." Minerva opened the bag wide, so that the surrounding air was filled with the scent of mediterrean lemons mixed with best arabian sherbert.

"Well perhaps just a short break ..." Albus murmured, "Just a few short minutes ..." He stepped towards Minerva and was just about to sit next to her, when there was an ear splitting shriek from Umbridge, as the castle lunged towards her and only narrowly missed.

Instantly Albus was on his feet, and pounding frantically after the castle bellowing, "NO !"

"Dammit ... what I say is let the castle have her ... dammit ..." Minerva muttered, kicking a tuft of grass in frustration then sprinting after Albus.

The castle was drawing closer and closer to Umbridge, much to Minerva's delight, who was only following Albus because she had decided that it might be fun to see what the castle would do to Umbridge. Suddenly the castle lunged forward once more, and using it's huge iron drain pipes as claws grasped the hapless Umbridge by her podgy pink legs, and hoisted her high into the air.

Befroe Albus could react the castle yowled in glorious triumph, and began to swing Umbridge round and round in dizzying circles, which grew ever faster and faster, untill she was just a blurred blob of whirring pink. High pitched screeches of terror ripped through the still afternoon air, sending birds sqawking from the treetops in panic.

Minerva clapped her hands gleefully, "Oh excellent !" She said happily.

Albus, however, had found his voice and was bellowing at the castle to, "LET GO AT ONCE !" In his most commanding voice.

Minerva was about to glare at him, then a quite wonderful thought entered her head, and to Albus' astonishment, she joined him in yelling, "Yes yes let go of her !"

"Minerva ?" He queried, fixing his wife with a piercing gaze.

"I've never seen a toad fly before ... I wonder how far she will go if the castle does let go." Minerva answered happily, her emerald eyes shining joyously.

Albus' eyes widened in realisation, and he couldn't help but chuckle lightly, before saying softly, "We don't want Dolores to get hurt though do we my love ?"

"Speak for yourself !" Minerva answered firmly.

Suddenly Albus gasped in horror, "NOOOOOOOOO !" He bellowed, but it was too late. The castle had already let go of Umbridge, who was soaring rapidly through the air almost as though she might enter orbit. Albus tried frantically to disentangle his wand from his robes, and then began to shout words into the sky.

Minerva only just resisted the temptation to nudge him, in an attempt to distract him from his spell. Instead she watched in delight as Umbridge suddenly plummeted rapidly towards the ground. "Oh jolly good shot !" She said happily as Umbridge landed in a particularly disgusting, and foul smelling puddle of deep mud. "Well done !"

All that could be seen of Umbridge was a pair of mud splattered pink legs wriggling frantically in the air, the rest of her was buried in the mud. As Albus sprinted towards the fallen toad, Minerva said contentedly "Landed the right way up as well ..."

Just as Albus was within a couple of feet of Umbridge, one of her frantic kicks freed her from the mud, and she struggled to her feet, only to slip and land face down in the mud once more. Minerva was roaring with laughter by now, and Albus had his hand clapped over his mouth, while his whiskers twitched and his eyes twinkled merrily. As they watched the filthy figure rose to it's feet, slipped and fell once more, made several more futile attempts at getting up, becoming dirtier and dirtier each time, untill she was almost indistinguishable from the mud. Then finally rose wobbling to her feet, and peered around her through a curtain of slimy mud, that coated her face and hair.

"She mustn't see us here." Albus whispered frantically as he dragged his wife away, "She's already trying to get me removed as Headmaster."

_**Author's Notes**_

_**Please review, reviews will always make my day. :) There will be two more chapters of this, this chapter got divided in two because I thought it was too long. **_

_**I hope you all enjoyed seeing Umbridge suffer, I really love doing horrid things to her. :D Umbridge will suffer more in the next chapters, grins in delight. **_


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Five

Unwillingly Minerva let Albus lead her away from the puddle. Albus moved rapidly, only pausing to put the castle's lead on and command it softly, to follow him. Which the castle did unwillingly, for a few seconds all was silent, as they tiptoed soundlessly across the soft grass - even the lumbering figure of the castle somehow managed to make no sound.

Suddenly Minerva stopped in her tracks, and her eyes gleamed as a brilliant idea struck her. Turning to the castle, she whispered, "Growl your fiercest and I'll see you get walks every day."

Instantly the castle growled thunderously, leaping quivering in the air, and straining at it's leash, while Minerva made a great pretence of struggling to restrain it. Hearing the awful sound, and seeing the huge ominous figure of the castle lunging at her, Umbridge turned and fled wailing across the fields, pudgy little legs pumping madly. "Ingenious, most ingenious ..." Albus murmured, as the beginnings of a plan to get rid of Umbridge formed in his mind.

"Oh good boy !" Minerva said approvingly, as she patted the castle fondly on it's ancient moss covered bricks.

"Actually she's a girl ..." Albus murmured.

"And just how do you know that ?" Minerva asked.

A question which made Albus blush deep scarlet and fumble for words, as Minerva tapped her foot impatiently. At last he mumbled that it was something to do with the arrangement of certain bricks and pipes, things like that my dear.

"Nonsence !" Minerva snapped "Really Albus you do talk nonsence ! What on earth have bricks and pipes got to do with it ?"

"Hush my dear, hush you're embarrassing her ..." Albus whispered, his lips so close to his wife's ear that she could feel the gentle caress of his breath.

"Embarrassing who ?" Minerva demanded, fixing her husband with a familliar half irate, half confused stare.

"The castle of course." Albus answered, as though it made perfect sense.

Minerva was just about to inform him that he was, as usual talking nonsence, when she happened to glance at the castle, which did indeed look rather embarrassed, for it had turned a vivid shade of pink, and was shifting around uncomfortably.

"Ridiculous ! Quite ridiculous ! Minerva snapped, "A blushing castle ! What nonsence !" She fixed the hapless castle with her sternest, most disapproving glare, and commanded, "Kindly remember that you are Hogwarts, and as such behaving in such a foolish manner is utterly inappropriate. Blushing, turning pink ..."

As the castle began to droop mournfully, it's towers hanging sadly before the force of Minerva's disapproval, Albus came to the rescue. "Well she did drop Dolores in a puddle, my dear ..." Albus reminded his wife softly.

"That's true ..." Minerva said, as she glanced around to make sure that no one was watching. Satisfied that they were completely alone, she stroked the castle gently on it's stones, while murmuring in a sing song voice reminiscent of a cat's purr, "Good girl ... who dropped that nasty Umbridge in a lovely puddle then ... good girl ..."

At once the castle moved closer to Minerva's caress and purred softly. Immediately Minerva grinned triumphantly at Albus, "Much better, she's a cat again now and very sensible of her too ... now come along home at once please." She added commandingly to both castle and Albus, both of whom followed Minerva obeidiently.

Albus was unusually quiet the rest of the way home, and Minerva shot many a curious glance at him, wondering why he was so immersed in thought. She knew it was pointless to ask him though, as she would be unlikely to get more than one or two words out of him when he was this deep in thought. Reaching the grounds of Hogwarts, the castle settled contentedly on it's foundations, and went to sleep exhausted after such unaccustomed exertion.

Albus turned to Minerva his light blue eyes sparkling, and she knew that he was ready to share his thoughts with her. "My darling I think I know how to get Umbridge to resign from her position and leave Hogwarts." He said triumphantly. As Minerva listened attentively, Albus outlined his plan, and how all the staff would need to help, all except Filch who could not be trusted and should be sent on holiday for a few weeks.

"I like it." Minerva said appriovingly, once Albus had finished. "Lets get started at once ! I'll spread the word."

"Be careful." Albus warned, "We don't want her to suspect anything."

Minerva kissed him tenderly, and whispered, "Don't be silly Albus, I know just how to plan things without getting caught, after all I got away with enough when I was at school ... despite you being my Head of House."

Her husband chuckled lightly, "I think you will find that I knew all about the vast marjority of your escapades, my dear" He murmured, as his sapphire eyes sparkled humourously.

"That's what you think !" Minerva replied teasingly, then vanished before Albus could question her further, leaving him to gaze curiously after her, wondering what pranks he did not know about. For a moment he was tempted to go and question Rolanda or Poppy about the trio's escapdes during their school days, then he reminded himself sternly that there were more important things to focus on. With a sigh of regret, he summoned Fawkes, explained what was required and reqested his help. The phoenix trilled softly, paused to nibble Albus' ear affectionately, then spread his crimson and gold wings, and soared into the air, golden eyes scanning the ground below, while Albus watched and waited.

Tired after so much running Albus settled down on the lush summer grass, rested his back against the warm stone of the castle, and opened the bag of sherbert lemons which Minerva had tried to bribe him with earlier. Though he looked the picture of relaxed contentment, his bright far seeing eyes never left the skies above. At last there was the soft flutter of wings nearby, and Fawkes landed softly on his shoulder. "Excellent my friend, excellent ..." Albus said gently proffering a sherbert lemon as a reward, which Fawkes looked at in disgust."And now if you would lead me to her, I shall endeavour to convince dear Dolores that this afternoon's events did not take place."

_'And if I am succesful in that then the first part of my plan has suceeded.' _He thought, as he rose to his feet and followed Fawkes rapidly across the grounds.

_**Author's Notes**_

_**Firstly many thanks to those of you who've taken the time to review this story so far, it truly is appreciated, and I apologise if I failed to thank any of you individually. Life has been very hectic and chaotic these last months, and I went through a phase of being very low and lacking energy, when I finally returned my inbox was chaos. So, I do value all who review and read my stories, and will do better in future with thanking you all properly. :)**_

_**There's one more chapter after this, I really hope you will all enjoy it, and that it will make you laugh, Albus and I had great fun making Umbridge suffer in it. ;) I do think that even Albus' kindness has limits, and that he would enjoy having fun with Umbridge.**_

_**Finally please take time to review, for I love to know if my stories have made people laugh or smile, reviews really do make writing worthwhile. **_


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Six

In the weeks that followed Dolores Umbridge became a shadow of her former self. She frequently jumped as though she heard castles growling at her, and had taken to hiding in her office for most of the day. Whenever she made a rare attempt to assert herself the castle had only to quiver it's walls, and snarl threateningly for Umbridge to beat a rapid retreat to her office. Even there she found no refuge, for the stone on the walls would move mysteriously, untill her pink floral wall paper was torn and tattered, and her precious cat pictures lay shattered on the floor. Whenever she would summon Dumbledore, or another staff member, to complain about the damage, all would be miraculously repaired. They would then shake their heads pityingly, muttering sadly about how the stress must be affecting her, and that they had half thought it might, after all she wasn't the first to react this way. One or two even pondered out loud that she might be suffering a breakdown or some form of insanity. Then when Umbridge gasped in horror, apologised guiltily and made a rapid exit, leaving her alone, and fearing that they may be right.

No one seemed to believe Umbridge when she complained about how the castle had hunted her down, and eventually captured her. The staff's responses ranged from a terse "Please don't talk nonsence Dolores !", from Minerva who fought to surpess a happy smile, to a mild, "Doubtless it was simply a bad dream my dear Dolores ... unless of course ..." from Albus. Umbridge was so worried by the unspoken end to Albus' words that she failed to notice how the headmaster's eyes twinkled merrily, and how he winked at the watching portraits. Instead she left his presence even more convinced than ever that her sanity was failing her.

"It's all the fault of those wretched little brats if I am crazy." She snarled to herself. "I hate children !"

A low rumble sounded, and Umbridge lept like a startled frog, then enquired frantically of Severus, who just happened to be passing. "Did you hear that ? It's growling at me again !"

Severus stared at the panic stricken figure in disgust before snarling, "Really this is the twentieth time this week you have asked me if I heard the castle growling." Severus' lips twisted contemptuously, "And each time I have given you the same answer - that I hear nothing. Now please stop bothering me with your delusions of sanity."

Severus' answer was enough to send Umbridge fleeing down the passages to the haven of her study. As she rounded the corner the dark figure of the potions master gazed after her, satisfaction gleaming in his dark eyes. 'It's working.' He thought to himself triumphantly. "Keep it up." He muttered to the castle, then made his way to his classroom.

A few hours later Albus was strolling along the passages on his daily tour of the castle, nearing Umbridge's study he heard strange noises from within. Albus fingered his snow white beard lightly, could it be that his plan was already working ? He knocked on the door and when he received no answer, stepped into the room eyes gleaming intensely.

Albus entered Umbridge's study to find her crouched trembling in the centre of the room, giant tears falling pitifully onto her flaccid cheeks, as china plates adorned with pictures of kittens crashed from the walls, smashing into smithereens on the floor around her. The room was filled with a loud growling noise like ancient bricks grinding together, and the floor seemed to vibrate in time with the sound. Albus' eyes sparkled brightly as he gazed at Umbridge. They twinkled even brighter when a moment later the largest plate of all landed with a crash direct on her head, perched there precariously, then slid down her pudgy nose to land on the floor, where it broke in two causing the toad like figure to sob piteously.

"Oh dear..." Albus murmured sadly. "It would appear that the castle is being rather naughty, my dear Dolores. It seems to not like you ..."

Umbridge was initially stunned by Albus' words, she had got so used to doubting her own sanity. Then with a spark of her old self snapped, "So you confess that the castle did chase me, and that it is tormenting me now !"

"My dear Dolores ..." Albus interrupted firmly, "I said no such thing, and I am afraid that I do not know what you are talking about. I am most concerned about your state of health though, you do seem to be not quite yourself at present ... perhaps a nice long holiday away from Hogwarts ..."

"But you just said that the castle hates me !" Wailed Umbridge desperately.

Albus gazed at her sorrowfully for several seconds, his gentle blue eyes full of pity and concern. "Oh dear ... oh dear dear ..." He murmured softly, "I'm afraid this is far more serious than I thought ... imagining that people have said things which they have not said ... oh deary me ..."

"But look what it's done to my room !" Umbridge howled, as she waved her arms frantically in the air.

Albus however had already cast a wandless spell returning the room to normal. "Oh dear ..." He murmured again, "Such a shame ..." Albus paused, sighed deeply, and shook his head mournfully, much as one might when given very bad news about how ill someone is. "My dear Dolores I see nothing wrong with your room. Do you see something wrong with your room ? Are you having those hallucinations again ? Castles chasing you, wasn't it ... and hearing them growling at you ?"

As Umbridge's gaze swept her now pristine office, her eyes opened wide, and her mouth hung open in shock. Her normal pinkish grey skin turning pallid, as droplets of sweat began to drip from her forehead. "I ... I ... I don't understand ... " She gasped.

Albus laid a soothing hand on Umbridge's arm, only barely repressing a shudder of revulsion. Bright light blue eyes striving not to twinkle, he said calmingly, "I really do think a nice long holiday, a complete break, would be best for you my dear Dolores. I'm quite sure it is nothing to worry about, but you do seem to be hearing things, things which people have not said. Just now for example when you appear to have imagined me saying that the castle does not like you. and combined with your ... shall we say ... paranoia about an inanimate object like a caslte hating you ... hallucinations of being chased ... A long break in a nice quiet place would be a very good idea wouldn't you say ... before these delusions become permanent. I strongly reccomend peace, quiet, and no stress whatsoever, give up all work for the ministry permanently, complete rest."

"Yes ... yes ... I shall pack at once ..." Umbridge said frantically, "I must get away from this place ... right away."

"Excellent ... excellent ... " Albus murmured so quietly that Umbridge did not hear. Courteously he helped her pack her bags, supressing a chuckle as she flung clothes and belongings hastily into suitcases. Then before he could even offer to assist her, she fled from the room dragging her half open bags behind her, robes in various ghastly shades of pink tumbling from them to leave a trail of sickly pink along the passages.

As Umbridge ran towards the giant oak doors of the castle, all the inhabitants seemed to hold their breath in anticipation, then release it in a giant sigh of relief as the doors swung shut behind her. A ferocious growl followed her down the driveway, and stones flew from the walls missing her narrowly. The last anyone saw of Umbridge was a pink blob zooming frantically down the road to Hogsmeade, and screeching in terror.

Albus beamed brightly as he patted the castle fondly, "You did an excellent job, most excellent. I trust you did miss her deliberately with those stones ..."

The castle's only response was a contented purr, as Albus stroked it's ancient stones much in the way one might stroke a cat. "You know I think a party is in order." Albus said happily.

As he made his way to the kitchens to arrange a feast, he encountered Minerva, who was dancing down the passages with Rolanda and Poppy, all of them waving bottles of firewhiskey in the air, and singing delightedly about how Umbridge was gone. As soon as Minerva saw Albus she flung herself into his arms, and yelled so loudly that she nearly deafened him, "We did it ! She's gone ! You're a genius !"

Before Albus could answer, Rolanda and Poppy flung their arms round the happy couple, and chanted demandingly "Party ! Party ! Party !"

Laughingly Albus replied in his merriest tones that he was just on his way to arrange one. Then watched, with sparkling eyes full of joy, as his wife and her friends danced down the corridor singing loudly, "Ding dong, the toad is gone !"

That evening there was a feast for everyone in the great hall, followed by a rowdy party in the staffroom, which resulted in many of the staff having hangovers the next day. The undisputed high note of the party was when Severus lept onto a table, performed an impromptu strip tease, got his legs tangled in his underpants as he tried to remove them, and tumbled off the table to land face down on an armchair which Albus had just conjured. He then lay there giglling drunkenly, skinny white legs waving in the air, untill Rolanda helped him up and kissed him passionately.

The students had their own parties in their common rooms, feasting till well after midnight on hot chocolate, ice cream, and cake provided by Albus. As merry parties of students rampaged through the corridors singing and dancing, the staff let them have their fun for that one night, and Hogwarts was full of joy.

The next morning a letter arrived from the ministry stating that Umbridge had resigned, news which was greeted with cheers of delight by staff and students.

The last they ever heard of Umbridge was that she had journeyed round the globe frantically searching for a country without castles, and finally taken up residence on a desert island with no castles or other buildings, and best of all no children.

The escapades of the castle soon became legend among students and staff. In effect the new hero of Hogwarts was Hogwarts, and the castle now purred frequently in delight as people patted it's stone walls, and whispered "Who's a good castle then." There was always a long list of volunteers to take it walkies or play fetch with it, though Minerva had insisted that it be trained by herself to obey basic commands first.

Severus' strip tease at the staff party also entered into Hogwart's legend, despite his best attempts to deny that it had ever happened. Rolanda in particular delighted in reminding him of it, untill Severus kissed her in a desperate attempt to silence her, and discovered that even when sober kissing her felt wonderful. He was astonished but delighted when rolanda seemed to share his opinion, and kissed him back with vigour.

_**Author's Notes**_

**And now you've read this story, please do review if you enjoyed it. It only takes a little time to click that review button, and say a few words, and it really does make a writer's day. It's terribly discouraging to get all excited when writing, and then receive only a couple of reviews, that's why I always review everything I read. **


End file.
